


No Sweeter Innocence (than our gentle sin)

by golden_kimono



Category: Jrock, the GazettE
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Domestic Violence, Drama, Established Relationship, Homophobia, Idk what's going on here I'm sorry, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Ruki's parents are dicks here, Sex, Sexual Content, Stream of Consciousness, abuse is abuse, but tbh there's never a thing like 'mild' when it comes to this, the abuse/violence is mild
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-09
Updated: 2016-12-09
Packaged: 2018-09-07 11:09:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8798578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golden_kimono/pseuds/golden_kimono
Summary: This wasn’t wrong. He reminded himself of this whenever his lips quirked up into a smile while they were together, whenever butterflies fluttered about in his stomach, and whenever Reita dug his nails into his hips as he panted against his ear.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title and inspiration from Hozier's _Take Me to Church_. If you don't mind listening to songs while reading, I highly recommend listening to that one! (Trigger warning for the MV for violence/homophobia, though.)

Biting down on his lip hard enough to feel the skin start to tear, Ruki stared at the TV screen intently, doing his best to keep up with Reita as they played a game of Mario Kart. Disgruntled when he ended up last _again_ , he tossed the controller aside, Reita diving after it when it nearly fell off the bed. He shrugged, not even slightly sorry, when Reita narrowed his eyes at him playfully.

“Another round?” his boyfriend asked, a wicked grin on his face. He laughed when Ruki glared and shoved him, grasping Ruki’s arm when he fell over backwards, dragging him along. His grin was replaced by a goofy smile as they led there, their heads sharing his pillow, looking into each other’s eyes. “Hi.”

Ruki snorted, choosing to ignore the heat in his cheeks. They had done worse, yet these moments always got to him more. Sex and lust – they were easy. Love, that was a different one. More intimate, more difficult to brush off. His heart pounded against his ribcage as Reita’s fingers stroked over his cheekbone, wishing he’d stop and wishing he never would. He was young, not even twenty, yet he felt like he had been missing out, his parents loving the idea they had of him more than they loved Ruki himself. It had been how he and Reita had bonded: over shitty dads who didn’t give a fuck.

Reita, though, he gave a fuck. Lots of them. Ruki could tell, from the soft gazes he’d throw his way and the way he’d rub his thumb over Ruki’s knuckles whenever they went for karaoke with their friends to how he’d held him like he was made of glass when they first made love, limbs trembling with nerves and eyes filled with wonder. He’d whispered words of adoration into Ruki’s neck when he thought the other was asleep, until one day Ruki had murmured them back, shocking Reita almost as much as himself.

This wasn’t wrong. He reminded himself of this whenever his lips quirked up into a smile while they were together, whenever butterflies fluttered about in his stomach, and whenever Reita dug his nails into his hips as he panted against his ear. This wasn’t wrong. His father – his parents – they were. They didn’t understand. Ruki hadn’t either, not at first, not even when Kaolu, one of their friends, had declared himself openly gay and no one had batted an eye. He hadn’t truly minded, but he wasn’t the same, wasn’t like him. A mantra of sorts he had stuck to even when Reita had first kissed him and he had felt lightheaded and _warm_ , had wanted to reach out for more when Reita had jumped back sheepishly and run a hand through his hair, apologising for taking advantage.

At least he understood now and that was good enough.

His eyes slid closed when Reita pressed their foreheads together, his fingers curling in his boyfriend’s green shirt to pull him closer, angling his head so he could meet Reita’s lips, searching for reassurance in their kiss. He knew his mum suspected something and she kept pleading with him, but he refused to back down, not when Reita had so gingerly handed him his heart, not when his own had Reita’s name etched into every part of it. Even if he lost her, he’d have him. He’d gladly make the trade.

Ruki sighed softly, focusing all his attention on Reita as his boyfriend’s fingers trailed up his stomach, his own moving down until he was able to palm the bulge in Reita’s jeans, feeling it harden under his hand and grinning proudly when Reita cursed under his breath and muttered his name.

The house luckily being empty, they didn’t take long to tug each other’s clothes off, Reita moaning up at the ceiling when Ruki took the opportunity to kiss his chest, his arms, to nip at his earlobe. He gasped loudly when Ruki took him in his mouth, suckling on the head as he pulled back the foreskin. The taste had been something to get used to, but knowing it was Reita and that Reita enjoyed it so much made it okay, made him drag his fingers along his own length while he went down on him, his cock twitching in his grip.

When Reita pushed him onto his back, Ruki smiled up at him almost deliriously, his eyes lidded, his hand grasping Reita’s back and holding him close as he pressed inside. Ruki’s breath hitched at the initial breach, loving the slight sting he felt even after Reita’s careful preparation, the pain making it more real, reminding him this wasn’t a dream.

They kissed until they couldn’t, their bodies rocking together while Reita moved his mouth to Ruki’s throat, sucking on his Adam’s apple daringly. A twisted desire for Reita to suck harder arose in him, for him to mark Ruki so everyone would know, so they wouldn’t have to hide anymore. Reita shifted down to the dip between his clavicles instead before mouthing over to his shoulder, where he rested his head and continued thrusting, his hands squeezing Ruki’s sides a little firmer whenever he released a small mewl or a guttural groan. Even if they hadn’t been alone, he didn’t think he would’ve kept quiet and judging from how Reita was breathing against him hotly, his rhythm already faltering, he wouldn’t have made him.

Ruki’s mouth fell open in a quiet moan, his eyes squeezed shut tightly while he came, scratching long lines down Reita’s back. Oversensitive, he lay back, grinning up at Reita tiredly, whose elbows were on either side of his head now as he bucked his hips faster until Ruki finally felt his release fill him up, another pleasurable shudder wrecking his body at that.

Afterwards, Reita helped him clean up, the two of them exchanging lazy kisses as they showered, too drained to do anything more. While they threw the sheets and covers in the washing machine, Reita nudged Ruki and smiled almost shyly when their eyes met.

“Spend the night,” he mumbled, his eyes eager and nervous. “I just- I want to wake up with you. We’ve never… Not with just the two of us.” His smile grew radiant when Ruki agreed and he leaned in to kiss his cheek fondly.

Sleepovers with their friends weren’t rare, but there was a definite difference between sharing a room with a group of people, everyone loud and watching movies or playing games until, one by one, they fell asleep and sharing a bed with only two, no need to collapse from exhaustion but instead cuddling together and wishing to stay awake for another reason than merely not wanting to be the victim of some kind of dumb prank.

When he returned home the next morning, his parents were waiting for him in the kitchen, calling him over as soon as the door shut behind him. He gave them his best unimpressed glare, his arms crossed as he stood before them, his father clenching his jaw, his mother unnecessarily straightening out the table for breakfast, her hands jittery.

He pretended not to feel the tremor of anxiety when he recalled that he had forgotten to tell his parents where he had been, something he didn’t normally give a shit about, and neither did they, but the current tension showed that perhaps this time wasn’t like the others. Like they knew the sleepover hadn’t been either.

“So.”

Ruki winced, tried to make it seem like he’d coughed, and took a seat as though nothing was wrong. He’d have preferred his father to yell, to perhaps even show concern that his son had stayed out all night – but if his father hadn’t cared when he was thirteen and disappeared for a few days on end, then why would he now? He raised his eyebrows challengingly and reached for a glass of orange juice, not hungry after having eaten breakfast at Reita’s. “So what?”

Something inside his father seemed to snap at that, and before his mother could do more than scream, he threw a plate at the wall, shattering it completely. Ruki couldn’t help but curl in on himself at the sudden shock. He thought of his friend Kai, who had spat out angry stories about his violent, abusive dad more than once, and wondered vaguely if he’d have his own story to share next time they met.

“You will _not_ disrespect me,” Ruki’s father said in a low voice, and Ruki resisted the urge to ask why a simple question was deemed to be disrespect. It wasn’t worth it. “You didn’t come home last night.”

Ruki bit back a snarky retort and instead played with his glass, keeping his eye on the liquid inside. “You’re right,” he forced out, hating the slight shakiness to his voice, hating showing this man any sort of weakness. “It’s not like it’s the first time,” he added, unable to resist.

“Were you with _him_?” his mother asked breathlessly, her eyes sad and disappointed, her demeanour making her look older than Ruki had ever seen her before.

He had no idea who she meant by ‘him’, if she knew even knew this herself, yet he nodded, his mother’s eyes filling with tears at the gesture, her hand lifting to her mouth to muffle a sob. In the end, it didn’t matter who ‘he’ was, the problem was that this ‘he’ existed in Ruki’s life, and that Ruki wanted him there.

“We were waiting for you last night,” his father continued, his fists clenched as though he was trying not to throw anything else. “Because someone has _seen_ you. Seen you walking around town, holding hands with another _boy_. Said they saw you _kiss_.”

Swallowing hard, Ruki did his best to look unaffected by this news. They were usually more careful in public, but last week there’d been a party and they’d kissed in the hallway – nothing more than a quick peck as they’d grabbed their coats, but it had been enough for someone to see. He didn’t bother asking who had snitched on him, because he didn’t really care. Most people there had been dicks anyway, and even if they hadn’t told, they most likely agreed with whoever had.

A sudden smack to his face had him dazed. He lifted a hand to his cheek, the ghost of Reita’s kiss still remnant underneath the ache.

“No son of my own will be one of- one of _them_!” his father shouted, his hand still raised, his eyes dark. His mother was crying, not stepping in, too preoccupied with her own sorrows. “I won’t stand for it, you hear me?! It’s unnatural, it’s abhorrent, and I will not accept it!”

“Then maybe I’m not your son!” Ruki bit back, rising to his feet. “The only repulsive thing here is _you_ , not me!” He felt oddly calm, angry, yes, but he had been expecting this moment and here it was, and he’d finally be able to get it off his chest, a confessional, if you will, even though neither he nor his parents were religious. It was almost cleansing. “If you can’t accept that I love-”

“ _Love?_ ” A mocking laugh, then a hand was shoving him back, making him stumble. “Love has no place in your filth. Get out.”

Ruki blinked in confusion, looking between his parents anxiously. He had been prepared for a fight, but things were taking a turn he hadn’t seen coming and he didn’t like it. “What?”

“You said it yourself: you’re not my son,” his father stated coldly, his eyes guarded. “Leave. You have no place here.”

Scoffing in disbelief and something akin to fear, Ruki glanced over at his mother, who resolutely kept her eyes averted and started fiddling with their breakfast again, as though he weren’t even there. The sight of her quivering hands was what kept him from feeling resentment towards her, although he returned the disappointment. Her husband had spoken. She would not talk back. Ruki’s heart clenched.

He licked his lips and gathered his strength, then looked his father – or merely the man who had conceived him – in the eyes and tried to appear as indifferent as him. “Fine.” Part of him expected them to stop him as he stepped over the threshold, but when he looked over his shoulder, his father was once again seated and reaching for his food, his mother pouring some coffee, barely keeping the pot steady.

 

If Kai was shocked to see him, he hid it well, though he was certainly surprised. He had taken one look at Ruki on his doorstep, the pain in his cheek a dull throb now, a duffel bag in his hands, and let him in. “We’ll talk tomorrow,” he had said, his mother agreeing readily, her eyes filled with the compassion he wished he had seen in those of his own mother.

After leaving him in his room, telling him to get comfortable and rest, Kai stepped back out, the door shutting behind him. Taking a deep breath, Ruki curled up on his friend’s bed, both relieved and hurt that the truth had come out at last. A sick part of him hoped his father would find out what he and Reita had done in his house, hoped he’d someone find the memories embedded in Ruki’s room, in the couch, the fleeting kisses in the kitchen and the hallway, hoped he’d forever see the imprint of Ruki’s sinful hand on the doorknob when he left his home for the last time.

When someone knocked on the door, Ruki turned over and made a noise to let Kai – it must be Kai – know he could come in. Forever too polite: taking Ruki in so willingly, allowing him to take over his bed, knocking so he wouldn’t be a disturbance. He poked his head inside and smiled when Ruki sat up.

“Are you feeling any better?”

He pulled a face, but Ruki waved his hand to show it was alright. Dumb questions were alright. Sometimes they were the only way people knew how to show love. “What’s up?” he asked croakily, tilting his head when Kai moved aside and Reita entered. Kai mentioned something about how they could take as long as they needed, and Ruki knew then that Kai understood it too. He wondered how long he’d known, if the others knew as well, if the secret they had unknowingly created wasn’t as much of a secret as he had believed.

Reita didn’t say a word as he took Ruki in his arms before they were even alone, his regret wafting off him, evident in every line of his face.

“Don’t,” Ruki said softly, smoothing out the crease between Reita’s eyebrows. “It’s fine.” It would be. “We’re better off this way.” Ruki hesitated and moved his head so it was buried in Reita’s chest, where he inhaled the smell of fabric softener and grass and _Reita_. “Do you… I mean, if you-”

His head was tilted up and Reita kissed him sweetly, slowly, carefully. When he murmured his response in Ruki’s ear, Ruki sighed, nuzzling back into him. He had traded, traded his parents for a boy, for Reita. He let his boyfriend position them on the bed a little more comfortably.

“This isn’t wrong,” Reita whispered again.

Ruki squeezed Reita’s arm. He knew.

**Author's Note:**

> I have so much to write, so much I _am_ writing, but then I was listening to this song on repeat (...for hours) and here we are. Somehow I felt it suited Reituki best. If you read this: thank you for putting up with my little mess of a mind! I don't even know if it makes sense to everyone, so... seriously, thanks. XD ♥


End file.
